off with her head!!

    Growing up as the daughter of immigrants in the States, it was always reiterated to me that failure was not an option. So when I inevitably failed early on in life, what happened next?

    A lot of the time growing up, I would watch Indian girls in media who had the same upbringing as me, and I would feel an almost embarrassing amount of jealousy because I could never be them. I always struggled with math. I had the hardest time making meaningful friendships. I never seemed to succeed at the level they did. I wanted nothing more than to be the smart Indian nerd that everyone stereotyped us to be.

And so I tried to become her.

    I signed up for every advanced and AP class I could in middle and high school (rest assured, I could barely pass them). I did dual enrollment for the last two years of high school, taking about 50 college credits with me (I failed Gen Chem 2). I signed up for countless internships, research opportunities, and summer programs (I never got into any of them). And, perhaps the biggest failure of all, I didn’t get into my dream schools in California. UCSC, UCD, UCM, UCR, and SJSU don’t count.

    I’m saying all of this not to throw myself a pity party, but to say that it is, in fact, possible to be a failure, even when you look like me or grew up like me. Even in the ridiculously expensive suburbs of the Bay Area in NorCal. Even when everyone around you seems to have this very specific idea of what you’re supposed to become.

    I remember the first time I watched *Mean Girls* (the newer movie, yes, I know it’s trash) and saw Avantika play Karen. It was the first time I can remember seeing an Indian girl play a funny, carefree, genuinely dumb character. And I loved it.

    I want more representation like that because, honestly, it’s just the truth.  Not all of us can be ivy league grads curing world hunger, some of us have to hold it down in georgia state university. 

And some of us are going to be perfectly okay there.

things i want to do b4 i turn 19

With the new school year literally starting on Monday, it’s starting to hit me just how quickly time has passed. That being said, I’m trying to stay so hopeful and excited for the year to come, and in doing that, I’ve collected a good list of things I want to do before I turn 19:

1. I want to eat more cuisines of food

My family has a really traditional Indian palate and we are vegetarian, which restricts a lot of what I’ve eaten growing up. I LOVE food and cooking, and it’s genuinely my dream to try every cuisine possible, so this year I want to get more adventurous.

2. I want to start AND finish a Persian tile blanket

If you’ve read far enough (I love all 9 of you), you know how badly I want to start one. But if I do, it can’t be like any of my other projects. I have to color coordinate, buy enough yarn, and do all the research possible beforehand. Praying I actually follow through with this one.

3. I want to run a half marathon

I’m so sorry, but I am in fact a pretentious person that runs. Don’t get your hopes too high though, because I do sub a 12 minute mile and love taking breaks, so I’m not your traditional runner by any means. I was SO close to doing an actual marathon last year, but life got in the way. I’m taking it down a notch and starting with a half marathon to hopefully jumpstart this.

4. I want to talk to a girl

After a bad breakup two years ago, I went a bit crazy and made a lot of regrettable decisions. Now that it’s been a solid few years, I want to rekindle that part of myself. I wouldn’t say I’m “looking for love”, I am in fact a STEM major and extremely busy, but if it so happened to come into my life, I wouldn’t be mad lmaoo.

5. I want to visit Covington, GA

Since going to NOLA to see loustat’s birthplace (please watch iwtv, I beg of you) might not be on the calendar this year, I fear being pre-med will fully consume my life, I will settle for the Vampire Diaries hometown of Covington.

It’s actually only an hour away from my house, which deeply shocks me. Hopefully this also serves as motivation to finally get licensed. #idontwannatalkaboutit

gotta be down cause i want it all

    I’m having seriously conflicting feelings about who I want to be. My entire life, I have always had a plan. Has the plan changed? Yes, of course. I started kindergarten saying I was going to be a painter, then by third grade it turned into baker, and by middle school I settled into engineering because I learned of the concept of money. 

    Freshman year of high school, I had a hyper fixation on planes, so aerospace it was. Oh, but then I got kicked out of the aerospace club, so in retaliation, I did a 360 and switched to biomedical engineering. Then, the summer of sophomore year, I watched my grandma fall down the slippery slope of Parkinson’s and shadowed my doctor aunt in India, which casually made me change my mind and decide I wanted to become a doctor. Cool. So I would major in biomedical engineering with a plan to go to medical school.

    I did dual enrollment for the last two years of high school and realized VERY quickly that engineering was, in fact, not for me and that majoring in it would decimate me. Sooo... biology? So here I am, all these years later, and I am, in fact, enrolled in college for biology with a pre-med concentration. And you may be thinking, this doesn’t really sound like much of a plan, but in other ways, it completely is. I was always planning on going to a good school, going to grad school of some sort, buying a big house in California, getting married, and having a bunch of kids.

    Now, going to a state school in the South was never a part of my plan, and I’m having a hard time coming to terms with that concept. With two weeks until move-in, I have no idea what kind of person I want to be. I think a lot of this is starting to stem from the fact that I don’t really know who I am anymore. I know that I want to be a doctor, and that I crochet, and that’s about it.

    But that’s lowkey the point of this blog. I want to find my voice and my life back. On other news I have started a new project with the little yarn I have left lol. No pattern unfortunately, freehanded by yours truly but inspo from @sophievaa_ on tiktok! Will be posted to projects tab once done ofc. 

slump strategies

    Like any big change in my life moving has made me incredibly slumpy. I've dealt with really bad insomnia at night, not being able to go to sleep till 3 or 4 and then waking up at 11. And yes, I am aware this is not a way to live life, the freedom of summer is too tempting and every night I find myself in the same cycle. 

    With this slump came a full stop of crochet for the first time in months. Or anything crafty for that matter. No bullet journaling (yes this has devastated me I was so consistent with it too), or drawing or even much reading. While managing shifts as a crisis text line volunteer and online emt school, all I want to do is aimlessly scroll my phone and watch hours upon hours of the vampire diaries which I can admit is a new low, even for me. All of this being said, today i've decided I can no longer go on like this but i'm not sure exactly what next steps to take are. 

    Everything in me wants to start a persian tile blanket, and there's only one tiny issue with that endeavor. It takes most people months if not years to get them finished and an obscene amount of yarn. Also does it really help my obsessive tendencies to go into a project that takes full attention, countless hours and heaps of money after not doing anything for months. Or should I do a small project and work myself up to it with the stuff I already had. 

    Then I sat down and weighed my options and realized I still didn't have a license at my grown age of 18 🤡, so its not like I had an option to drive to Michaels anyways to buy more yarn and in fact would have to force myself to the small bag of leftovers I had managed to squeeze into out car on the move here. Anywayssssss I made a blackberry! Pattern, courtesy of @lydiashepel_crochet and it turned out incredibly botched. Like truly very bad, i'm embarrassed to even share, BUT that's not the point. I'm officially one day out of slump and that's all that matters. 

introduction 😻 (yes i realize this should have been first)

    Hey, this is Raajika!!  I'm 18 years old and currently about to start my first year at georgia state university after living in california my whole life (its because my parents moved here and I got scholarship I promise 😭). I crochet a LOT, and want to be a doctor hence sutures and skeins but this blog is kind of just a random thoughts/diary dump moment. So yeah definitely stay for the ride because im super entertaining, and 6 feet tall and read feminist literature and wished all period products were free comme ci, comme ca. If your interested in buying something for me, my link tree is @ paa.ge/sutures.and.skeins , where you'll find my shop site and instagram/tiktok. I give 50% of all proceeds to the american red cross and try to keep prices as affordable as possible so check it out if you want!!

random fun facts abt me: 

- vampire media is my absolute favorite (iwtv has bewitched me body and soul)

- I try to dress moody and wear black but I love color it always comes back

- I'm a middle child! older sister (5 years older) and younger brother (6 years younger) 

- I love popculture references, trixie and katya are my lesbian mothers. and wives??

- Hozier was the first and best concert i have ever been to